


oil be there for you

by abby10



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, F/M, Social Media, Social Media AU, Texting, and my longest solo fic!, giving peter plot importance in the year 2020? it happens!, im back baby, strap in this is a wild ride y'all, texting au, there is actual plot here believe it or not, with possibly my most ridiculous fic yet!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23221195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abby10/pseuds/abby10
Summary: Texting/Social Media AU: Lily and James haven't spoken for 2 years. But that's all about to change thanks to Peter and his involvement in an essential oil pyramid scheme. Featuring boss babes, toxin-free lifestyles, binding contracts, and a very oily journey.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 104
Kudos: 347





	oil be there for you

**Author's Note:**

> Wow hello friends long time no see!!! I know I posted a snippet collection last month, but this feels like my true return to fanfic writing! And what a return it is!
> 
> This fic is inspired by this girl I know from high school who is now in an essential oil pyramid scheme so thanks to her for the inspiration!! Hope she turns her life around soon!!
> 
> I genuinely do not know how this fic got so long but wow if I am not pleased with it! Enjoy this wild ride!

**Remus Lupin** to **Super Mario Bruvs** : _Peter. What the fuck is your latest Instagram all about?_

Peter Pettigrew: _wat do u mean_

James Potter: _yeh my eyes can never unsee that_

Sirius Black: _it’s stunning pete. ignore them_

Remus Lupin: _It is a shirtless photo of you cradling several bottles of essential oils with the caption “just started my #oilyjourney. cant wait 2 hav my life changed. contact me if you want to start ur journey and 4 more details” and then a bunch of hashtags having to do with “oily living”._

Peter Pettigrew: _oh do u want 2 buy sum??_

Sirius Black: _absolutely_

Remus Lupin: _Did you get sucked into another pyramid scheme?_

Peter Pettigrew: _wat??? no!!!! this is the real deal!!_

James Potter: _lol you said that about the herbal coffee_

Sirius Black: _and the kitchen knives_

James Potter: _and the diet supplements_

Remus Lupin: _And the push-up bras. My personal least favourite._

Peter Pettigrew: _i hav been wrong b4 but this is legit!!!_

James Potter: _pete PLEASE switch jobs. you have too much free time at your desk_

Remus Lupin: _And for some reason you choose to spend all that time on Pinterest, which is rife with pyramid schemes._

Sirius Black: _yeh u have gotten suckered into an impressive number of scams_

Peter Pettigrew: _is this u all tellin me 2 quit and sell oils fulltime??_

Remus Lupin: _ABSOLUTELY NOT_

James Potter: _that is…. almost the opposite of what i said_

Sirius Black: _do it. live ur best life._

Peter Pettigrew: _thx sirius!!_

Remus Lupin: _What have we done_

\---

**Peter Pettigrew** to **lily** : _Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?_

\---

**Lily Evans** to **James** : _hey uh…. long time no talk. hope you’re doing well. um this is kinda awkward but are you aware that peter is involved in an essential oil pyramid scheme? i got a pretty wild message from him earlier today_

James Potter to Lily: _wow hi yes im doing well hope youre well_

James Potter: _and yes i am…. all too aware of this_

James Potter: _i am very sorry he messaged you. normally he limits the attempts to recruit to within our friend group and we can talk him out of it before it gets to this stage_

Lily Evans: _so… peter getting involved in pyramid schemes is like… a normal thing??_

James Potter: _unfortunately_

Lily Evans: _i guess that does make sense. he did almost get talked into becoming a mormon by those people on campus like 3 separate times during uni lol_

James Potter: _oh wow throwback_

Lily Evans: _anyway… best of luck dealing with this mess!_

James Potter: _thanks… we will need it…_

James Potter: _and good to hear from you :)_

Lily Evans: _you too :)_

\---

**Peter Pettigrew** to **marlene** : _Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?_

Marlene McKinnon to Peter P: _what the actual fuck_

\---

**Marlene McKinnon** to **Little Women** : _why the fuck did peter pettigrew just text me trying to get me involved in an essential oil pyramid scheme_

Lily Evans: _ah yes forgot to tell you all_

Lily Evans: _that is…. a thing™_

Lily Evans: _i got a text from him a few days ago_

Dorcas Meadowes: _he was always wildly gullible_

Mary Macdonald: _yes… remember the time with the scientologists in the student union?_

Marlene McKinnon: _vividly_

Lily Evans: _anyway i texted james about it and apparently he has gotten involved in a number of pyramid schemes_

Mary Macdonald: _you texted james???_

Dorcas Meadowes: _( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)_

Marlene McKinnon: _( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)_

Lily Evans: _um yes but it’s nbd i was just making sure he’s aware that his friend has been suckered into some kind of essential oil based scam_

Mary Macdonald: _suuuuure_

Marlene McKinnon: _mhmmmm i’m sure that was your only reason_

Lily Evans: _oh piss off you lot it’s been 2 years can we let it go??_

Dorcas Meadowes: _let what go? that insane sexual and romantic tension you had with potter for all of final year that you somehow never acted upon? let that go?_

Mary Macdonald: _my ship will finally sail!! it is happening!!_

Lily Evans: _it was not insane sexual or romantic tension!! i just thought he was super fit and we were friendly. that was it. end of story._

Marlene McKinnon: _you went from hating him first year to practically ruining any pair of panties you wore around him by the end of final year_

Lily Evans: _marlene ew wtf_

Mary Macdonald: _(she’s not wrong)_

Dorcas Meadowes: _you were both ridiculously into each other. it was nauseating. seems like the universe is giving you a second chance_

Lily Evans: _um that is absolutely not what is happening!! we had like a 2 minute conversation about his friend! that’s it!_

Lily Evans: _and besides, if he had really been into me, he wouldn’t have completely ghosted me after graduation_

Mary Macdonald: _well i personally think you should give james a heads up that marlene got a message from pete. he’d want to know…. ;)_

Marlene McKinnon: _yes i am practically traumatised from the experience! pray tell stop him before he does any more damage!_

Lily Evans: _i hate you all_

Lily Evans: _but… fine i will!!! only because he legitimately would want to know!! that’s it!!!_

\---

**peterpettigrew posted a photo** : _there is a reason the Lord put all these plants on the earth! there is a reason essential oils of plants have supportive properties that benefit EVERY SINGLE SYSTEM in the human body! (immune? check! endocrine? check! respiratory? check! reproductive? check check check!) it’s not a hoax. it’s not a fad. it’s not a trend. it’s not a placebo. it’s real, unbelievable, undeniable SUPPORT! from plants and from an entire community of amazing women <3 #essentialoils #oilymom #oilymomsofIG #oilscureall #oilingoutloud #diamondstatushereicome #everydaywellness #oilymama #nontoxicliving #bossbabe #myoilyday #happyliving #happylivingessentialoils #holistic #naturalhome #womenshealth #plantjuice #giveashit #ihavemyoilsnowwhat_

siriusb: _omg i am also living that #oilymama #bossbabe life!!! luv this community of women!!!_

rjlupin: _Peter stop copying and pasting the exact captions from other people in this pyramid scheme. There is so much wrong in this post I do not even know where to begin._

jamespotter: _since when do you believe in god_

\---

**Lily Evans** to **James** : _hey! not so long time no talk this time lol. just letting you know that peter reached out to marlene about the essential oils so… do with that what you will_

James Potter to Lily: _that tracks_

James Potter: _hes joined some kind of “oily living” instagram community. its getting out of hand. he just quit his job and our whole flat smells like a bunch of candles had an orgy_

Lily Evans: _i offer my condolences in these difficult times_

James Potter: _thank you. your support means the world._

James Potter: _i dont suppose you have any tips on how to rescue a friend from a pyramid scheme?_

Lily Evans: _lol nope can’t say that any of my friends have ever gotten involved in one_

James Potter: _your friends always were much smarter than mine_

Lily Evans: _except remus of course_

James Potter: _oh yeh i was not including him in that generalisation lol_

Lily Evans: _how is remus btw?? he doesn’t really post on social media so i have no idea lol_

James Potter: _hes good! a year and a half into his doctorate now. always on the verge of either sobbing or throwing things at us. but hes getting good grades and his thesis is on track so… yes i will stick with good_

Lily Evans: _haha that sounds like him. tell him i say hi!_

James Potter: _will do!_

James Potter: _and tell marlene that we all apologise for peter. and probably warn mary and dorcas. i expect them to hear from him at some point._

Lily Evans: _lol can do_

\---

**James Potter** to **Remoaners** : _pete you need to stop trying to recruit people you havent spoken to in years into your pyramid scheme_

Peter Pettigrew: _um is not a pyrmid scheme!!_

Peter Pettigrew: _Message template to send to concerned family and friends:_

_Happy Living Essential Oils is a Multi-Level Marketing Company. MLMs are insanely popular in today’s market and are completely legitimate._

_What an MLM is not and what Happy Living is not is a pyramid scheme. A scheme implies trickery. Pyramid schemes are scams. A scam is a “dishonest scheme or fraud” but there is nothing fraudulent about a MLM! Everything about the business structure is forthcoming and honest. When you go look at Happy Living’s compensation plan, you can see where all of your dollars go._

_When you are purchasing anything from any MLM, what you are doing is not only supporting the company that made a product, but you’re also supporting your friend._

_You’re buying local. You’re helping pay for a little girl’s ballet classes & supper for a family. You’re investing in that little boy’s college fund & school supplies for him. You’re supporting families that you know & so many that you don’t!_

_An MLM uses the costs that a company would normally use for marketing & gives it to families so they can build their own dreams & create a business for themselves. It is so far beyond paying big bucks to top level execs, but gives everyone an opportunity to create an income for themselves!_

_Buying from your friend instead of another random company is the biggest investment into them to say, “I believe in you”._

Remus Lupin: _THAT IS LITERALLY A COPY AND PASTE MESSAGE FROM YOUR PYRAMID SCHEME!!! YOU EVEN COPIED AND PASTED THE PART TELLING YOU WHO TO SEND THIS MESSAGE TO!!!_

Sirius Black: _the message you sent does mention dollars and last time i checked we were still using pounds in this post-brexit uk_

James Potter: _even padfoot is pointing out flaws in this. thats how you know its gotten serious._

James Potter: _fuck wait no dont do it_

Remus Lupin: _Please no_

Sirius Black: _IM ALWAYS SIRIUS_

Sirius Black: _LIKE MY NAME!!!!_

Sirius Black: _GET IT???_

James Potter: _ANYWAY_

James Potter: _pete, lily told me youve sent both her and marlene messages trying to recruit them. this needs to stop_

Sirius Black: _hold up_

Sirius Black: _did u just say lily_

Sirius Black: _as in… lily evans? the long lost love of ur life?_

James Potter: _i mean yes but that is not the point of this conversation_

Sirius Black: _it is now!_

James Potter: _remus please help me_

Remus Lupin: _No I’m actually with Sirius on this one. You spoke to Lily??_

James Potter: _traitor_

James Potter: _but yes. she messaged me a few days ago to let me know that pete had tried to recruit her (A DISCUSSION I WOULD LIKE TO RETURN TO PLEASE) and then again today saying he had messaged marlene_

James Potter: _she says hi to you remus btw_

Remus Lupin: _Aw tell her I say hi as well!_

Sirius Black: _not me?? rude_

James Potter: _but the extent of our conversations have literally just been talking about PETERS INVOLVEMENT IN AN ESSENTIAL OIL PYRAMID SCHEME AKA A TOPIC I WOULD QUITE LIKE TO RETURN TO_

Peter Pettigrew: _is not a pyramid scheme!_

Remus Lupin: _Peter, I see you typing and I swear if you paste that propaganda message again, I will remove you from the chat._

Peter Pettigrew: _no plz dnt_

Peter Pettigrew: _and i hav just been trying 2 give sum old friends the incredible oppertunity 2 be there own bosses and live healthy, nontoxic, oily lifes! wats wrong with tht??_

James Potter: _beyond the obvious pyramid scheme part of this, we also havent spoken to the girls since graduation_

Sirius Black: _yes and whos fault is that_

James Potter: _not mine!!! i texted lily asking her out and she never responded!! and then never responded to any of the messages i sent her after!!_

Sirius Black: _o right I forgot_

Sirius Black: _nvm screw lily_

Remus Lupin: _Be nice._

James Potter: _no its not really her fault either. clearly i misread the signs or something_

James Potter: _or i actually listened to you, which is never a good idea_

Sirius Black: _debatable_

James Potter: _point is! its been 2 years. im over her. we have had 2 very basic conversations (well kind of considering the circumstances) and will probably not have any more. end of story._

Remus Lupin: _So you’re saying that if she didn’t text you again, you’d be totally fine with that?_

James Potter: _yes i would be. like i said- over her!!_

Sirius Black: _lol well we will see about that_

\---

**Sirius Black** to **Oily Mama** : _hey pete i think you should try dorcas. she strikes me as an oily living type of gal_

Peter Pettigrew to sirius: _rlly??_

Peter Pettigrew: _ok!!!_

Peter Pettigrew: _i dont hav her number tho_

Sirius Black: _try dming her on instagram_

Peter Pettigrew: _good idea!!!_

\---

**Sirius Black** to **The Doctor** : _i am saying this now- i am doing this for the best and u should all be thanking me_

Remus Lupin to Hand Model: _What did you do_

Sirius Black: _what needed to be done_

Remus Lupin: _What. Did. You. Do._

Sirius Black: _;)_

\---

**peterpettigrew** : _Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?_

dorcasmeadowes: _not even a little_

\---

**Dorcas Meadowes** to **The Thot Circle** : _well i got my solicitation from peter_

Marlene McKinnon: _lol you are the least likely person to get sucked into this bs how does he not know that_

Dorcas Meadowes: _i mean he did hit on me once at a gay bar so_

Lily Evans: _this is getting out of hand_

Mary Macdonald: _full honesty- i feel kinda left out :/_

Marlene McKinnon: _don’t worry i’m sure yours is coming lol_

Lily Evans: _yeah probably_

Lily Evans: _doesn’t seem like the boys have been able to talk him out of it yet_

Mary Macdonald: _you should probably let james know. just sayinggggg_

Lily Evans: _fine. but only out of concern for his friend. NOT FOR ANY OTHER REASON_

Dorcas Meadowes: _suuuure_

Marlene McKinnon: _you don’t have to explain yourself to us ;)_

Lily Evans: _don’t push me or i will sign you all up for starter packs from happy living essential oils_

\---

**Lily Evans** to **James** : _you’ll never guess what happened_

James Potter to Lily: _dorcas or mary_

Lily Evans: _dorcas_

James Potter: _sigh_

Lily Evans: _mary is feeling a bit left out_

James Potter: _oh i doubt she will have to feel that way for long_

Lily Evans: _that’s what we said lol_

James Potter: _i cannot believe that this is how we are all reconnecting 2 years later. over an essential oil pyramid scheme_

Lily Evans: _yes it is certainly more interesting than bumping into someone at a friend of a friend’s party haha_

James Potter: _true_

James Potter: _so how have you been? like what have you been up to?_

Lily Evans: _i’ve been good! been working at a non-profit in london for the past year which has been incredible!_

Lily Evans: _how about you? :)_

James Potter: _ive been good too! been working for dad’s company, which has been good. and omg wait youre in london??_

Lily Evans: _yep! been here since april last year!_

James Potter: _i thought you were still up north lol_

Lily Evans: _nope! haven’t you seen all my instagrams of me living that big city life? ;)_

James Potter: _hehe yeh but i just assumed you came down to visit the girls often_

Lily Evans: _nah i couldn’t handle being home for more than a year. love my parents but living at home post-uni was rough_

James Potter: _i bet. even living in the same city as my parents (well mainly mum) can be very trying lol_

Lily Evans: _but bright side to living at home for a year was that it allowed me to save enough money to make the move!_

James Potter: _well london is better for having you here :)_

Lily Evans: _thank you :)_

\---

**Peter Pettigrew** to **sirius** : _dorcas wasnt interested_

Sirius Black to Boss Babe: _oh no! how shocking! what a bummer!_

Sirius Black: _maybe try mary? i bet she would be interested!_

Peter Pettigrew: _o ya! she is gonna be a doctor so she would probably understand the hole life benefits of essential oils!_

Sirius Black: _exactly!_

\---

**Sirius Black** to **The Good Doctor** : _just again reiterating that everything i do is for the best_

Remus Lupin to Chaotic Neutral: _That is demonstrably untrue and this message just worries me further_.

Remus Lupin: _I suppose there’s no point asking what you’ve done?_

Sirius Black: _aw ur learning_

Sirius Black: _just know that this will all be worth it_

\---

**Peter Pettigrew** to **marry** : _Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?_

Mary Macdonald to Peter Pettigrew: _thank you for the offer but with med school i just don’t think i have the time! good luck!_

Peter Pettigrew: _omg no time iz not a problem wiht happy living! hold on let me find the message im suposed to send abt time management_

Mary Macdonald: _please don’t_

Peter Pettigrew: _24 hours just doesn’t seem like enough time in a day, am I right? That’s why I am so glad Happy Living Essential Oils has given me the control over my time, my household, and my whole life that I have always wanted! It’s so easy to create a healthy and happy home and body with essential oils. No more spending days searching for the right products! And Happy Living has also given me the freedom in my career to spend my days how I want! I can spend as much time a day I want telling all of my fellow fab ladies how much I love essential oils! Having a stressful day? Don’t worry about work and numbers and kick back with a Lavender Oil Bomb! Feeling motivated? Try our special Get Up and Go™ Oil Blend and start pushing those oils! And don’t worry! Happy Living is not just the perfect full-time career, but also the ideal side hustle for all you determined ladies! Happy Living lets me shape my days how I want! Don’t you want that freedom too?_

Mary Macdonald: _okay that’s enough of this snake oil nonsense i have actual medicine to study_

\---

**Mary Macdonald** to **Birds of Prey** : _finally got my peter message lol_

Marlene McKinnon: _told you_

Mary Macdonald: _and i made the mistake of not rejecting it outright at first so i got another one_

Dorcas Meadowes: _ooh the deluxe pyramid scheme pitch_

Lily Evans: _sigh_

Mary Macdonald: _you know what i’m gonna tell you to do right?_

Lily Evans: _i’ll text james_

Marlene McKinnon: _good girl_

\---

**Lily Evans** to **James** : _peter has officially solicited my whole friend group_

James Potter to Lily: _took him a whole 2 weeks. bit slow honestly_

Lily Evans: _has he been sending messages to other people?_

James Potter: _ohhhhh yes. hes worked through his entire contact list. and then all of his linkedin connections. now i think hes going full-on instagram and messaging anyone who pops up._

Lily Evans: _yikes he’s in so deep :/_

James Potter: _sirius and i came home yesterday (from our jobs because we are adults with jobs unlike peter now) and pete had thrown away every single cleaning product and toiletry in the flat_

Lily Evans: _omg are you having to use those weird essential oil cleaners and toothpastes and stuff now?_

James Potter: _funny you asked! see, we assumed if peter went through all that trouble to purge the flat of toxins and products that are not conducive to proper whole body and home wellness (his words aka his pyramid scheme’s words not mine), he would have at least procured the replacement products already._

Lily Evans: _uh oh_

James Potter: _uh oh indeed! how silly we were! pete “hadnt thought that far ahead” but still got upset when we went out and just bought identical replacements for all the products he had thrown out_

James Potter: _so all he ended up doing was pissing us off and causing remus to almost have a nervous breakdown over the phone. (but to be fair, remus is on the verge of those most days thanks to his phd)_

Lily Evans: _this is so out of control. like i know some one or two girls from school who have gotten involved in pyramid schemes, but i know they already live deeply unhappy lives due to entering unfulfilling marriages way too soon so it’s a bit more understandable tbh_

James Potter: _if it gets much worse, i think i’ll bring mum in to smack some sense into him_

Lily Evans: _haha not a bad idea. from the few times i met her, i know she is not someone whose demands you should ignore_

James Potter: _to put it mildly lol_

James Potter: _anyway thats my life rn. whats going on with you?_

Lily Evans: _not much! honestly this whole debacle has been the most interesting thing going on in my life for a while lol_

James Potter: _sadly…. same here_

Lily Evans: _is this what being an adult is like?_

James Potter: _i think so and i do not like it_

Lily Evans: _times sure have changed_

James Potter: _no! i refuse to accept this!_

James Potter: _dare me to do something interesting right now_

Lily Evans: _lol okay_

Lily Evans: _james potter, i dare you to do something interesting!_

James Potter: _okay here goes!_

James Potter: _lily evans, would you be interested in grabbing a drink sometime and properly catching up?_

Lily Evans: _well in the name of making things interesting again…._

Lily Evans: _i’d love to!_ _:)_

James Potter: _:D_

James Potter: _ive gotta get back to work because dad is glaring at me but i will message you later to make official plans?_

Lily Evans: _sounds great! :) x_

\---

**James Potter** to **3 Morons and 1 Doctor** : _i am going to tell you all something and you are not going to be idiots about it, okay?_

Sirius Black: _i make no promises_

Remus Lupin: _Same._

James Potter: _lily has agreed to grab a drink with me sometime soon_

Remus Lupin: _:O_

Remus Lupin: _Congrats! It’s about time!_

Sirius Black: _I KNEW IT_

Sirius Black: _VINDICATION_

Sirius Black: _EVERYTHING I DO IS CORRECT AND I CAN DO NO WRONG_

James Potter: _wtf_

Remus Lupin: _Oh no._

Sirius Black: _SUCK ON THIS MOONY: I TOLD YOU SO_

Remus Lupin: _I hate that I have to admit you’re right._

James Potter: _can someone tell me whats going on???_

Sirius Black: _just know that i am always right and you should be thanking me on ur hands and knees_

James Potter: _hold on_

James Potter: _did you have something to do with this???_

Sirius Black: _}:)_

Peter Pettigrew: _congratz james!! can i offer u any essential oils to prep 4 ur date? happy living has a special sensual oil bomb mix u might like_

James Potter: _hard pass_

James Potter: _also not officially a date or anything!! not making any assumptions!! just two old uni friends catching up_

Remus Lupin: _Not a date? I call BS._

Sirius Black: _agreed. i didnt meddle in ur life to have you not call it a date!_

James Potter: _youve meddled in my life for way less before_

Sirius Black: _and??_

James Potter: _seriously though, im just happy to catch up with lily. i havent seen her in like 2 years so this is just very casual and it is completely okay if it doesnt mean anything more than rekindling friendship to her!_

James Potter: _and sirius if you make the name comment you are currently typing, i will let peter throw away your hair products again_

Sirius Black: _no plz ill be good_

Peter Pettigrew: _ur all just jealous that im a thriving small busines owner who has achieved total body, mental, and home wellness_

Remus Lupin: _You could not be further from the mark but I respect that confidence._

Peter Pettigrew: _anyway, i hav some messages to send to help other ppl start taking control of there lives 2!_

James Potter: _literally who do we know that you have not already solicited_

\---

**peterpettigrew wants to send you a message  
** 79 followers 99 posts

peterpettigrew: _Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?_

severussnape: _Pettigrew?!_

severussnape: _Why on earth are you messaging me trying to sell me essential oils?!_

severussnape: _Is this some kind of sick joke? Is Potter behind this??_

peterpettigrew: _i jus thot u mite be interested in achieving a toxin-free, holistic lifestyle wit the added benefit of bein a small business owner_

severussnape: _You thought wrong._

peterpettigrew can no longer send Direct Messages to severussnape.

\---

**Lily Evans** to **The Real Housewives** : _so… i may have agreed to grab a drink with james_

Marlene McKinnon: _YES_

Mary Macdonald: _OMG CONGRATS!!_

Dorcas Meadowes: _finally_

Lily Evans: _it’s just a casual thing though!! strictly friendship!!_

Marlene McKinnon: _lol sure_

Mary Macdonald: _DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME! MY SHIP IS SAILINGGGGG_

Lily Evans: _you good mary?_

Mary Macdonald: _med school is a nightmare please just let me have this_

Dorcas Meadowes: _you wouldn’t deny a future doctor this modicum of happiness, would you?_

Lily Evans: _hate you all_

Lily Evans: _also mary you have reginald?? you are plenty happy already??_

Mary Macdonald: _shhhhh not the point_

Marlene McKinnon: _ya the point is that you need to go panty shopping asap. i know you don’t have any cute ones anymore_

Lily Evans: _okay you are all nuts and i need to get back to work_

Dorcas Meadowes: _you calling us nuts when you’re the one in deep denial? hilarious_

Lily Evans: _BYE_

\---

**severussnape wants to send you a message  
** 23 followers 6 posts

severussnape: _Have you heard from Lily Evans recently?_

peterpettigrew: _yah y how did u kno_

severussnape: _I figured if you were desperate enough to be messaging me, you must have already messaged her._

severussnape: _And… how is she doing?_

peterpettigrew: _y would i tell u. u were mean to me b4 when i offered u the oppertunity of a lifetime_

severussnape: _I will buy your starter pack if you tell me._

peterpettgrew: _deal! i will send u the paperwork!_

severussnape: _Paperwork?!_

peterpettigrew: _email address?_

severussnape: _misunderstoodprince@hotmail.co.uk_

peterpettigrew: _sent!_

severussnape: _Okay now how is Lily?_

peterpettigrew: _no. paperwork 1st. im not that dumb. and correct info! ill no if its not_

severussnape: _Fine I sent back the paperwork. It is all filled out and correct. Now give me the information._

peterpettigrew: _gr8! u can expect ur 1st shipment soon!_

severussnape: _First??_

peterpettigrew: _and lily iz good i think! she and james r getting a drink soon_

severussnape: _WHAT?!_

severussnape: _No no no no no_

severussnape: _All my hard work… I have to stop this!_

peterpettigrew: _ok clearly u r going thru something so ill let you go deal wit that. ill message u soon about happy living stuff! u hav made the best decision of ur life and u wont regret it!!_

severussnape: _There is absolutely no way I am actually getting involved in your oil-based pyramid scheme._

peterpettigrew: _2 late! contracts r xtremely binding! welcome 2 the happy living family!_

\---

**Peter Pettigrew** to **He-Men** : _guess who jus signed his first downstream oiler!_

Remus Lupin: _What do those words mean?_

Peter Pettigrew: _i hav brought some1 into my happy living chain! thas how multi-level marketing works! and i am no longer the botom of my distribution chain!_

James Potter: _you mean the bottom of the pyramid_

James Potter: _who on earth was stupid enough to agree??_

Peter Pettigrew: _snape_

James Potter: _WHAT_

Sirius Black: _THATS THE FUNNIEST THING IVE EVER HEARD_

Sirius Black: _WHY IS HE BUYING OILS??? HIS HAIR ALREADY HAS ENOUGH TO SPARK AN AMERICAN MILITARY INTERVENTION!_

James Potter: _LOL GOOD ONE BRO_

Sirius Black: _THX BRO_

Remus Lupin: _How on earth did you get Snape to agree to this???_

Peter Pettigrew: _o…. dont b mad_

Remus Lupin: _Oh no what did you do?_

Peter Pettigrew: _he said hed sign up if i told him how lily iz doing_

Sirius Black: _ew wtf what a creep_

James Potter: _and you told him????_

Peter Pettigrew: _not much! jus that u and her r getting a drink soon_

James Potter: _that is the exact wrong information to tell him!!! he is going to hunt us down and murder me!!!_

Sirius Black: _for both urs and lily’s safety, u should probably just have ur date in the flat where i can protect u both_

James Potter: _a. not a date and b. absolutely not_

Remus Lupin: _Peter, you know that was wildly disrespectful of both Lily and James’s privacy right?_

Sirius Black: _dick move pete_

James Potter: _sirius you invade my privacy literally all the time_

Sirius Black: _id never invade lilys tho_

Sirius Black: _at least not before u start dating so i dont scare her off too early_

Sirius Black: _also she always scared me a bit so… maybe not then anyway_

Peter Pettigrew: _im srry but its worth it! maybe wit happy living snape can finally turn his life around and become a nice person! its probably all those toxins that make him b so mean!_

James Potter: _if the toxins you are referring to are “hardcore rightwing beliefs” and “an inflated sense of superiority” then yeh those probably don’t help_

James Potter: _im gonna text lily and give her a heads up. peter, you will apologise later_

Peter Pettigrew: _ok yes plz dont b mad at me_

\---

**James Potter** to **Lily** : _hey i have some news that is… not great tbh_

Lily Evans to James: _what’s up?_

James Potter: _so… remember snape?_

Lily Evans: _my former best friend turned creepy white nationalist stalker? yes i think that name rings a bell_

James Potter: _well… peter started to run out of people to try to get join his pyramid scheme_

James Potter: _and for some unknown reason, he decided to message snape_

Lily Evans: _okay super weird but not necessarily bad news?_

James Potter: _no it gets worse_

James Potter: _snape agreed to join but only in exchange for info about you_

James Potter: _and peter agreed and told him we are getting a drink because he is an absolute bellend_

Lily Evans: _wtf wtf wtf_

Lily Evans: _ughhhhh_

Lily Evans: _thanks for telling me_

James Potter: _im really sorry about all this_

Lily Evans: _no don’t worry this is clearly not your fault_

James Potter: _what do you want to do?_

Lily Evans: _i refuse to give snape the satisfaction of me stressing out about him any more than i already have. so… i’m doing nothing_

Lily Evans: _we are getting that drink and it will be lovely and that’s that!_

James Potter: _:)_

Lily Evans: _and on that note, you free saturday night at 7?_

James Potter: _very free_

Lily Evans: _amazing! it’s a date!_

Lily Evans: _(i mean if that’s okay! don’t want to make you uncomfy or anything)_

James Potter: _very okay! yes! date!_

Lily Evans: _then yes! it’s a date! x_

James Potter: _:D x_

\---

**Severus Snape** to **♥** : _Lily you absolutely CANNOT under any circumstances go out with Potter._

Lily Evans to Unknown Number: _well judging by that perfectly rational text that is super respectful of my boundaries, this can only be one person_

Lily Evans: _i have you blocked, snape. how the fuck are you texting me now?_

Severus Snape: _That is unimportant._

Lily Evans: _okay cool well then time to block this new number too_

Severus Snape: _No wait!_

Lily Evans: _why? so you can boss me around more even though we haven’t spoken in literally 3 years?? no thanks_

Severus Snape: _You cannot go out with him!_

Lily Evans: _wow! i don’t give a fuck what you say i can or cannot do!_

Severus Snape: _He is bad news, Lily!_

Lily Evans: _why? because he’s got a darker skintone? yeah i think i will live seeing as i’m not a racist arsehole like you_

Severus Snape: _He doesn’t really care about you! He doesn’t respect you!_

Lily Evans: _there is some glaring irony that is somehow going over your head here_

Severus Snape: _If he really cared about you, why would he have stopped texting you completely after graduation?!_

Lily Evans: _hold on_

Lily Evans: _how the fuck do you know about that_

Lily Evans: _you and i hadn’t been speaking for over a year by then_

Severus Snape: _Lucky guess?_

Lily Evans: _okay now things have gotten interesting_

Lily Evans: _you’re going to tell me how the fuck you know about that. right. now._

Severus Snape: _Or what?_

Lily Evans: _or i finally go through with that restraining order. make my completely overwhelming desire to never have to see you again legally binding_

Severus Snape: _Please don’t._

Lily Evans: _then start talking_

Severus Snape: _What you have to know is everything I did, I did because it is what was best for you!_

Lily Evans: _not good enough. keep talking._

Severus Snape: _All I did was prevent you from making the biggest mistake of your life!_

Lily Evans: _hmm no it doesn’t seem like you attempted to time travel to prevent me from ever becoming friends with you_

Severus Snape: _Lily please_

Severus Snape: _I had seen the way you started to look at him! Something needed to be done!_

Lily Evans: _you still haven’t given me any actual details_

Lily Evans: _so i’ll take that as you telling me to go ahead with that restraining order?_

Severus Snape: _FINE_

Severus Snape: _Do you remember when you gave me your old phone?_

Lily Evans: _like 4 and a half years ago? yes. why?_

Severus Snape: _Well after you gave it to me, Mulciber gifted me a brand new phone. So, I never actually used the phone you gave me._

Severus Snape: _I just put it away and forgot about it._

Severus Snape: _Until you decided to end our friendship._

Lily Evans: _over your ties to a literal white nationalist group but yes continue_

Severus Snape: _They are not white nationalists! They just have a different vision for the future of Britain. A better future!_

Lily Evans: _if you are just going to start spouting your nazi propaganda BS at me, i think this conversation is over_

Severus Snape: _Not Nazis but fine I will stop._

Lily Evans: _continue with your explanation_

Severus Snape: _Well a little while after you ended our friendship, I happened upon the phone you gave me._

Severus Snape: _And I missed you so much, I decided to turn it on._

Severus Snape: _And it turns out… you never cleared the phone before you gave it to me._

Lily Evans: _wow yes tbt to when i actually trusted you enough to not assume you would invade my privacy_

Lily Evans: _i think i have a sense of where this is going and it’s remarkably creepy. but continue anyway_

Severus Snape: _I just wanted to reminisce. I missed our friendship. And then a text popped up._

Severus Snape: _You had also forgotten to sign out of your iCloud account._

Lily Evans: _fucking hell snape this is insanely stalker-y, even for you_

Severus Snape: _I never read through any of your texts with anyone else! Just Potter and that’s because I know who he really is! He is a bad person! I was just protecting you!!!_

Lily Evans: _so, I have a strong suspicion as to why you know james never texted me. but i would like for you to spell it out clearly for me_

Severus Snape: _All I did was what had to be done to protect you._

Severus Snape: _Potter texted you the day after graduation to ask you out. I deleted the message. And when he texted you several times after that, I deleted those messages as well._

Severus Snape: _I regret nothing. I had to pull you from his grasp. You had fallen for him. He would have never loved you or respected you! Not like I do!_

Lily Evans: _oh my fucking god snape_

Lily Evans: _i can't believe you ruined my chances with james out of some insane sense of ownership over me???_

Lily Evans: _well joke’s on you! we are going on a date this weekend and it’s going to be amazing and we are probably going to have crazy sex at some point! so suck on that!_

Severus Snape: _Lily no!!! You can’t!!! Please!!!_

Lily Evans: _but because you’ve been so helpful and forthcoming with all of this deeply upsetting information, i’ll let you see me one more time_

Severus Snape: _Really?!_

Lily Evans: _yeah! in court when i get a FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER_

Severus Snape: _Lily please don’t do this! Any of this!!!_

Lily Evans: _anyway. as enlightening as this chat has been, i think it’s time to go send james some pictures of my tits! see you in court! rot in hell!_

Severus Snape: _Lily!!!  
_ Your message was not sent. Tap “Try Again” to send this message.  
Your message was not sent. Tap “Try Again” to send this message.  
Your message was not sent. Tap “Try Again” to send this message.

Severus Snape: _Fuck.  
_ Your message was not sent. Tap “Try Again” to send this message.

\---

**Lily Evans** to **James** : _JAMES WE NEED TO TALK RIGHT NOW_

James Potter to Lily: _woah okay what’s up?_

Lily Evans: _SO I JUST TALKED TO SNAPE_

James Potter: _gross im sorry do you need disinfectant?_

Lily Evans: _AND IT TURNS OUT HE HAD BEEN LOGGED ONTO MY ICLOUD ON AN OLD PHONE I HAD GIVEN HIM WHEN WE WERE STILL FRIENDS_

Lily Evans: _AND HE HAD BEEN DELETING MESSAGES YOU SENT ME_

James Potter: _wait… does that mean you never got the text i sent you asking you out??_

Lily Evans: _NO!! I JUST THOUGHT YOU HAD GHOSTED ME AFTER I HAD TOLD YOU I LIKED YOU AT GRADUATION!! AND I NEVER MESSAGED YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HAD MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!!!_

James Potter: _I THOUGHT YOU HAD GHOSTED ME AFTER I ASKED YOU OUT!!! AND I DID MESSAGE YOU A FEW MORE TIMES BUT I GUESS YOU NEVER GOT THOSE!!_

James Potter: _YOU MEAN THIS WAS ALL FUCKING SNAPE’S FAULT?!?!!?_

Lily Evans: _YES!!!!_

James Potter: _holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck_

Lily Evans: _i know!!!!!_

James Potter: _i was so bummed when you never responded!!!_

Lily Evans: _and i was so bummed when you never texted me!!!!_

James Potter: _i actually can’t believe all this_

James Potter: _i mean, i can. snape’s creepiness knows no bounds_

James Potter: _but damn_

Lily Evans: _i can't believe he almost succeeded in keeping us apart!!!_

James Potter: _that fucker!!!_

Lily Evans: _i liked you SO MUCH and i was so upset when you never texted!!!_

James Potter: _and i liked you SO MUCH and was so upset when you never responded!!_

Lily Evans: _well it might be 2 years later, but i never really got over you and we have been given a second chance and i am not letting snape ruin this again!!!_

James Potter: _i never got over you either!! hell yes we are going to have the most amazing first date saturday and thats that!!!_

Lily Evans: _yeah!!!!_

James Potter: _okay wow i need to get back to work (and to process all of this insanity) but i will text you in a bit!! that is a promise!! expect a message!!! (i cant believe i have to explicitly say that now) x_

Lily Evans: _understood! have a good rest of the work day! i am eagerly awaiting that text that you 100% will be sending!!!_ _xx_

\---

**Lily Evans** to **Golden Girls** : _SO I JUST FOUND OUT MAYBE THE CRAZIEST THING EVER_

Marlene McKinnon: _is it tom cruise’s tooth in the middle of his face? because yeah! absolutely insane!_

Lily Evans: _CRAZIER_

Marlene McKinnon: _woah_

Dorcas Meadowes: _what’s up?_

Lily Evans: _remember how i said james ghosted me after graduation???_

Mary Macdonald: _yep_

Lily Evans: _turns out SNAPE HAD BEEN DELETING MESSAGES FROM HIM ON AN OLD PHONE OF MINE!!! HE ASKED ME OUT AND FUCKING SNAPE DELETED THE MESSAGE!!!_

Dorcas Meadowes: _WHAT_

Marlene McKinnon: _THAT CREEPY ARSEHOLE!!!_

Mary Macdonald: _THAT IS THE CRAZIEST THING EVER!!_

Marlene McKinnon: _okay that’s it, snape dies tonight_

Marlene McKinnon: _dorcas, get your bat_

Mary Macdonald: _i’ll join!! i will break my hippocratic oath for this!!!!_

Lily Evans: _thanks ladies you’re the best <3_

Lily Evans: _but no need_

Lily Evans: _the best possible way to get back at him is to go have a fantastic time on my date with james on saturday! and to never think about him again! (other than when i maybe get a restraining order)_

Dorcas Meadowes: _yeah don’t give that wanker the real estate in your mind!_

Mary Macdonald: _did you just call it a date??_

Lily Evans: _well… yeah lol. it is a date. we had actually already agreed it was one before this absolute bombshell_

Marlene McKinnon: _get itttttt_

Lily Evans: _it took 2 years and the best efforts of snape, but we are finally here! i am going to go on a date with james potter and it is going to be amazing!!!_

Mary Macdonald: _yes you are!!!!!!!_

Dorcas Meadowes: _and yes it is!_

Lily Evans: _and marlene, i will take you up on your offer to go panty shopping please!!!!_

Marlene McKinnon: _HELL YES!!!_

\---

**James Potter** to **The Simps** : _SO I HAVE LOTS OF FUN UPDATES_

Peter Pettigrew: _i hav an update 2 but u go 1st_

Remus Lupin: _Please no more essential oil propaganda._

Sirius Black: _wassup jimmy_

James Potter: _okay you know i hate that nickname_

James Potter: _BUT MOVING PAST IT BECAUSE LIFE IS INSANE_

James Potter: _basically! snape messaged lily to harass her about getting a drink with me (thank you for that peter!!!) and in the resulting conversation they had, lily found out that apparently snape had kept an old phone of hers that was still logged into her icloud account and had been deleting messages from me INCLUDING THE MESSAGE WHERE I ASKED HER OUT_

Remus Lupin: _OKAY THAT IS INSANE!!!_

Sirius Black: _cool! time to murder snape!_

Peter Pettigrew: _can i jus point out that u never wood have found out this info if i hadnt messaged him!!!_

Remus Lupin: _Super not the time, Pete!_

James Potter: _so it turns out that lily hadnt changed her mind about liking me after she confessed she did!! and i didnt scare her off by asking her out!! fucking snape almost ruined everything!!!_

James Potter: _but we are not letting him ruin it anymore!!! lily and i are going to have an amazing date (and yes it is a date!! :D) and snape is going to live a lonely, incel life!_

Sirius Black: _sure i cant hunt him down for sport?_

Remus Lupin: _I cannot handle trying to bail you out on top of working on my thesis so please don’t._

Sirius Black: _understood_

James Potter: _and you know what? pete is right! this is all thanks to him and his weird essential oil pyramid scheme! you are the one who brought lily and i back into each others lives and who caused us to find out the truth! so thank you peter!_

Peter Pettigrew: _aw thx im glad ur starting to be won over on the whole life heeling properties of essential oils!_

James Potter: _and you ruined it_

\---

**Lily Evans** to **James** **♥** : _really looking forward to seeing you soon!!_

James Potter to Lily ♡: _same here!!!_

Lily Evans: _so just to make sure, i’m meeting you at the covent garden station?_

James Potter: _yep!_

Lily Evans: _no hints about where we’re going?_

James Potter: _nope!_

Lily Evans: _so excited :)_

James Potter: _me too :)_

Lily Evans: _about to get the tube! see you in a few!! x_

James Potter: _cant wait!! x_

\---

**James Potter** to **The Bad Place** : _just had the most amazing date!!!_

Remus Lupin: _Yay! So glad it went well!!_

Sirius Black: _u get sum?_

James Potter: _ew @ that phrase and no we just saw each other for the first time in 2 years like… we can chill for a bit_

James Potter: _(but she did kiss me goodnight!!!)_

Sirius Black: _aw that melts even my cold cold heart_

James Potter: _btw pete you never told us what your update was the other day??_

Remus Lupin: _As long as it is not essential oil related, I’m all ears._

Peter Pettigrew: _well is kinda essential oil related_

Peter Pettigrew: _i jus wasnt feeling well that day_

James Potter: _and are you feeling better now?_

Peter Pettigrew: _ya… because im in hospital_

Remus Lupin: _WHAT?!_

Sirius Black: _omg what happened_

Peter Pettigrew: _so turns out ur not supposed to ingest essential oils_

James Potter: _no duh!!!_

James Potter: _sorry sorry please continue_

Peter Pettigrew: _anyway i felt bad a few days ago (from ingesting the oils it turns out) and 2 try 2 feel better, i ingested even more oils_ _wich made it worse_

Peter Pettigrew: _so i had 2 get my stomach pumped and am being treated 4 burning my mouth, esophagus, and stomach lining_

Remus Lupin: _Are you okay???_

Peter Pettigrew: _ya i will be. just have 2 stay overnite_

Sirius Black: _well share ur location so we can come spend the night with you_

Peter Pettigrew: _really??_

James Potter: _of course. youre an idiot, but youre our idiot_

Peter Pettigrew: _aww thx  
_ Peter Pettigrew started sharing location with The Bad Place

Remus Lupin: _And Peter, does this mean that you are done with all of this Happy Living nonsense?_

Peter Pettigrew: _i think so. i mean, im glad it brought james and lily 2gether. but its caused mostly problems 4 me_

Peter Pettigrew: _im severely in debt now because of my contract_

James Potter: _dont worry i can get my mum to look it over and get you out of it. she trained as a hostage negotiator for a while in the 80s_

Sirius Black: _god mum is the coolest_

Peter Pettigrew: _thank u!!!! u r all the best friends ever!!!_

Remus Lupin: _We are grabbing the bus now. Be there in 20._

Sirius Black: _and dont worry, even when you stop shilling ur oils, u will always be an #oilymama #bossbabe 2 me <3_

Peter Pettigrew: _thx sirius that means a lot <3_

Remus Lupin: _Does it though??_

James Potter: _shh just let them have their moment_

\---

**Lily Evans** to **James** **♥** : _how’s he holding up?_

James Potter to Lily ♡: _he’s okay. has finally fallen asleep._

Lily Evans: _officially done with his pyramid scheme?_

James Potter: _yep! mum looked over the contract and it turns out that if youve brought at least one other person into your distribution stream, you can shift the burden of your remaining contract onto them!_

Lily Evans: _wait does that mean…_

James Potter: _yep! snape is now responsible for not only the base level stuff he signed up for, but all of petes shipments and responsibilities as well!!!_

Lily Evans: _that is…. the best news omg_

James Potter: _yeh and these contracts are pretty ironclad so unless snape can recruit anyone else, he is stuck in this pyramid scheme for the forseeable future!!!_

Lily Evans: _and i doubt he will be able to! he has the charisma of a soggy napkin!!!_

Lily Evans: _plus who would want to buy any oils from the personification of the deepwater horizon oil spill disaster??_

James Potter: _omg that is such a good burn that is exactly what he is!!!_

James Potter: _you are literally my dream girl_

Lily Evans: _because i’m good at insulting snape?_

James Potter: _among other reasons but i would be lying if i said that wasnt a part of it_

Lily Evans: _understood ;)_

James Potter: _i am so glad peter got sucked into that pyramid scheme_

Lily Evans: _yeah?_

James Potter: _i mean… he did bring us back together_

Lily Evans: _very true :)_

James Potter: _and hes gonna make a full recovery. like hes totally fine. so im not being callous_

Lily Evans: _of course not_

James Potter: _and we got the added benefit of snape finally facing consequences!_

James Potter: _so all in all, a wholly positive experience!_

Lily Evans: _well when you put it that way… i agree!_

James Potter: _:D x_

Lily Evans: _and i mean… you know what they say, right?_

James Potter: _no what?_

Lily Evans: _oils well that ends well ;) x_

**Author's Note:**

> (Deeply sorry for that final pun but it just had to happen!!!)
> 
> Anyway this has all just been one long PSA to not get involved in any pyramid schemes! Also not to ingest essential oils!! Make smart decisions in these difficult times! (And stay safe! Social distancing is cool!)
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading! Feel free to leave a kudos, comment, or bookmark. I will love you forever!!!
> 
> Come chat with me at my main blog (pareidolian.tumblr.com) or my fanfic sideblog (abby10fanfic.tumblr.com) xx


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